It is about five o'clock in the morning and because I'm not asleep, I have come with a foolproof plan for successfully buying a tight house. Anyone who is not a bumbling idiot could do this.


Just follow these simple steps:

1.Get a job. Put the money you make at your job in a checking account at your local bank, credit union or whatever.

2.Get a credit card. Build up absolutely perfect credit. Buy expensive electronics, Lazy Boy recliners and a nice set of silverware. You will be able to pay the credit card bills with checks.

3.Get a better credit card. After you have built up your absolutely perfect credit you will be offered credit cards with a low APR and an extremely high limit, perhaps $100,000.

4.Get a few more good credit cards. Make sure you get one of the ones where you get miles as a reward; it will most likely come in handy later. With 4 or 5 of these high limit credit cards you will be able to buy a very comfortable house. If you properly followed these directions you will also have some tight stuff to put in it.

5.Get a mortgage and pay off the credit cards. Once you have paid off the credit cards with your mortgage money you are almost all set, now you just need to pay off a $500,000 mortgage.


At this point you have one of two options:

Option #1:Become some type of powerful drug czar, organized crime boss, pimp, heartless republican slant drilling for oil in the Great Lakes, rapper or professional athlete. You will easily be able to pay the bill.

Option #2:Use the miles reward credit card and pay off the entire mortgage at once. Continue to live in your house until they are coming to get you for not paying off the bill. You will have enough miles to run from authorities for years.