Red Hair Aggression Theory


After years, of speculation, research, and multivariate statistical analysis, I, have unlocked, the secret to why those with red hair are more susceptible to uncontainable outbursts, of rage. The reason, which, actually, is, not solely limited to those with red hair (although will, occur in them, much more commonly), is simply a prolonged exposure to the color red, that will cause rage and aggression to manifest themselves, in, the, average, human. This phenomenon is rooted in the behavior-influencing effect of the color red, coupled with, the psychological principal of the pure exposure effect.

The, psychological influence of the, color red has, many connotations, most importantly: war, radicalism, revolution, anger, and of course, aggression. None of these things are pleasant. Imagine, that you are locked in a room for, one year. Imagine that this room is completely painted, red. You are only served raw, red meat and tomato juice. To top it off, you are not in the room alone, but accompanied [burdened] by 5 Ohio State fans, wearing RED. Assume against, all, odds that you survive, and reenter the world. Imagine how, happy you would, be to see a full spectrum of color again, and how ANGRY you will be when, you see the color red, or meet anyone from the state, of Ohio.

The pure exposure effect is, when a liking is, developed for something after becoming more familiar with, it. Think for, a moment, about a song that you knew was awful the first time you heard it. Next, think about each time you have heard it on the radio, and how it took progressively longer to change the station when it came on. Now, think about how you do the Soulja Boy dance and reference super-manning and spider-manning hoes every chance you get.

Pictured above: Throngs of adoring fans, crankin' dat Soulja Boy.
These two, effects, independently are limited to the extent of their respective, influences upon the average human, but together, have the potential to turn anyone into a ticking time bomb of rage and, aggression. For those with, red hair, this will likely be the, case as every time the look in a mirror they, will be reminded of the nest of anger-producing hair on their head. Each time they look, at, a picture of themselves and their closest friends they will want to blow something, up. And, when, looking, at family portraits, they are most volatile. If their entire, family has red hair, it will be too much red, hair for them to observe at once, they will not be able to restrain themselves from punching through a wall. If, the entire family does not have, red, hair, their ire will stem from the fact that they are afflicted with this condition and other family members are free to live a normal, life. They will punch, a hole in the wall.

While this condition, is, exacerbated by having follicles of pure anger growing directly out of the brain, perfectly normal people may be fall victim to it as well. In order to maintain a cool, calm, and collected demeanor you must surround yourself with cool colors, such as blue and green. Avoid nude sunbathing without sunscreen with at least SPF 55, nothing, will, make, you angrier than having your entire body red and, burned.

“How,” you may ask, “how, can I determine who could be one of these angry people without unfairly discriminating against those with red hair?” The first thing I would like to point out is that it IS ok to discriminate against those people with red hair, and it is perfectly fair to do so if you value your own wellbeing. They, are angry, people by nature who would, like nothing more than to explode into an uncontrollable fit of rage and, destroy you. Think twice before approaching, one of them. Secondly, to the untrained eye, there are some other people, who, you, will want to look out for and make every effort to avoid:

- Butchers, stop sign manufacturers, cranberry farmers, and infrared camera-enthusiasts

- People who stare at the red light when stopped in traffic, instead of looking elsewhere

- Ohio State fans and people from the state of Ohio in general

- The monster from the movie The Village

- People, who are, not good at writing, essays who, have English, teachers, who are, critical, of comma, usage.